I really should be doing something productive right now since this week is going to be the Hell that it's already turning out to be, however I am too incensed.
Okay, so I'm a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ liar.
Ugh. I need to go to confession.
When I say I won't ever get married... yeah, BIG FAT LIE. Of course anyone who really knows me knows this is utterly false. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet I make this claim to any person of the opposite sex that expresses any form of interest in that sort of thing whatsoever. And I halfway believe myself. But....
Truth be told I want nothing more. I have all of these goals in my life... graduate with honors, get my masters, get into medical school, be a doctor, be on a hospital board, be a coach.... but nothing, and I mean nothing, means more to me than having a family. The first step, of course, is marriage--a perfect marriage, to someone who wants to take care of me even more than I want to take care of him. And trust me, I'm REALLY good at being that woman who takes care of her man, probably to a fault. I'm not going to even begin to describe my "perfect man" because even I don't know what embodies him. All I know is that he's gonna have to have a heck of a lot of a patience to put up with some of my bullshit (that's a science term). Momma always said it's gonna take some stronger man than most to tie me down.
Maybe my problem is that I have this illusion of everything turning out as "perfectly" as it did for my parents, albeit far from "perfect." But they've been married 25 years with 3 kids, so they had to have found something special. Ha, I even had a timeline of when I wanted everything to happen. Married between 24 and 26, kids by 28 or 30, my own practice by 34... living the good life. Right. But wait, I even have the ring picked out and the wedding gown designed; the whole wedding is planned--sans groom. I'm pathetic.
Okay, so the root of my problem is fear. Typical. (Let me whine for a sec) I'm so over being jaded. I see all of these Facebook posts of all these people from my graduating class getting engaged or staying in relationships for 3 to 6 years at a time... but I can't keep anyone around for more than a couple months? No trouble finding prospects, no. But get past that first few weeks and BAM! they're running the other direction.... So I've taken to asserting that Hell no, I'm never getting married. Seriously, this is but a dramatic conclusion concocted based on my fear of being hurt.
As one put it, I make myself out to be "the devil to date." My response? Well, I can be a bitch (another science term). In my head I have this mental image of a Miranda Lambert song-worthy charade of shooting my revolver at the back tires of a pick-up truck hollering "You get your sorry ass back here!" But let's be real. As Texas Monthly put it in their recent article on Miranda, what girl in Texas that has ever been hurt by a man hasn't wanted to do something like that? She just puts our fantasies into song . So they remain but a daydream and we remain sweet Southern Belles. Take Miranda for example. She sings all of these gunslinger songs about women getting even with good-for-nothing liars, cheats, and fools... but she just recently married Blake Shelton in a picturesque country wedding. So the girl I idolized as the she-woman-man-hater that won't ever need a man even wanted and found it!
So you see? No girl who daydreams about burning down the houses of ex-lovers is really so cold-hearted that she won't ever walk down the aisle. On the contrary, I would reckon that every girl, every human out there wants that companionship. We females just have a stupid way of showing it.
http://www.texasmonthly.com/preview/2011-10-01/feature --Link to article on Miranda Lambert, Texas Monthly October 2011
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